


Life is finally better than my dreams

by DrSoftie



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, M/M, Pining, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 06:26:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1678103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrSoftie/pseuds/DrSoftie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard found his own way to deal with his one side love for his captain and best friend. But is it the right way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is finally better than my dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: suicidial thoughts, suicidial attempt, drug addiction, depression.  
> I have to say that I don't own any of these characters-I just borrowed them.

"Everything you can imagine is real" -Pablo Picasso 

Leonard McCoy thought that no one could make him happy again. He was drunk, useless, poor and hopeless. Then he met Jim Kirk. Jim Kirk - son of the famous father who was captain just for a few minutes, but nevertheless he has saved hundreds of lives including his wife’s and newborn son’s.  
When he first met him in a Starfleet shuttle, he offered him his flask of bourbon after he did warn him that he may throw up on him in the very spot, but blondie stayed. He wasn't especially freaked out; he just laughed and told Leo that he thinks that shuttles are pretty safe, so he shouldn't be scared because of it. And of course, Jim named him Bones, because drunken Leo felt some weird need to confide to this boy with his life story – with all of his shitty life, very expensive divorce and the fact that all what was left of him were his bones.  
In the beginning it seemed like Jim gives a shit about his troubles, but then Leo realized that Jim Kirk always listens. No matter what are you talking about to him, he listens to you and he remembers everything you told him about yourself. He makes files in his head about things. He collects information.  
Lately in the shuttle, he realized that Jim's got beautiful eyes. So blue... It was unbelievable that someone can have so bright eyes. He had many scars, but that didn't matter, because he was beautiful, with that pretty face of his and those full lips. Leonard was falling and he didn't know how to stop it.  
He was laughing when Jim told him jokes, he became his wingman and personal doctor, because honestly, Jim needed a doctor who knows all about his allergies and who can warn him when he's about to eat something dangerous. And Jim needed a roommate, too. It was better, because Leo could watch after Jim. And drag him back to their dorm when he was drunk. Or - for his sake - he knew all of his flings. Actually, he knew maybe two thirds of his bed partners - one night stands who disappeared before morning. Sometimes he caught Jim and his partner. He wasn't mad or anything else. Maybe - he thought – he was little jealous. Not of Jim, that he got so many people to fuck with. He was jealous of these people, because they got Jim. His Jim. Jim, who could make him laugh, who could make him cry, who could soothe him when he had a bad day at the hospital. His Jim, who wasn't mad when Leo screamed, got drunk or just didn't speak. Jim, who knew him. And he was supposed to be with him.

Because, how he realized, he loved Jim. He gave him his whole heart and he did not want it back. He could breathe for Jim, he could die for Jim, but Jim doesn't know it. He shouldn’t know it. It was supposed to be his big secret. Of course, he will go anywhere with Jim. And that was how he ended up in the space, terrible scary space, full of diseases and darkness. The dangerous space. The space, where Jim Kirk can die, so he had to go with him. He had to take care of his brave captain. He had to be friend and doctor and everything or anything - whatever Jim wants. 

On the starship, he became jealous of Spock. Old Spock told him that they were best friends and maybe little more. Actually, not maybe, but certainly, how he was told. And it was Leo’s thing to do. He should have let Jim go; he should let him end up with Spock. And the timeline will be saved. But he could not be only friend to Jim anymore. Not when old Spock is going to tell Spock that he should be Jim’s partner, because it's logical. And this is it. It is logical, so new Spock will do it. Leo was sure that he's going to do it. He was sure that he won't be able to watch it. Image of Spock kissing Jim was horrible. It was scary and most of all, it was painful. He couldn't do this. He wasn't strong enough. There was only one solution. As doctor, he couldn't agree with himself, but as person painfully in love with his best friend he was sure he has to do it.

His hand was shaking. He needed more. And more. Every day, he had to increase his dose of remedy for depression. After everyday dose, everything was better and he could work again, until the evening. He could avoid Jim and his partner and he could dream about Jim’s touch, Jim’s kiss, Jim’s eyes... He fell on the bed and closed his eyes. Everything will be good... He didn't notice that he wasn’t eating. He lived inside his own mind for months, but at this moment real world and HIS world melted. Jim came down to his dorm and he laid down to his partner - to Leonard. He hugged him and he stroked his hair. He was gentle and he kissed him. It was sweet. Jim was sweet. They cuddled and they talked about nothing. They were planning their future and kids and everything. And he was Jim’s world and Jim was his world, Jim was holding his hand and it was like being in heaven for Leo, who could touch his friend. Because now they weren't just friends. He could kiss him, he could tell him that he loves him and everything felt so right...

He woke up on bed in his sickbay. Machines were beeping around him and somebody talked to somebody other. There were two voices. One of them was Jim’s.  
"We didn't notice for a long time, yes, we knew there were higher consumption of antidepressants, but we didn't know that all of these drugs were for our doctor..." they were talking about him...  
"But---how?" this was Jims voice. "Why he did it?"  
Because I love you, Leonard thought. And I can't be without you anymore. It's simple.  
"We don't know. If you want to know, you should ask him." No..."He's the only one, who can give you right answer." Leo recognized Chapel’s voice.  
"How he felt?"  
"We don't know, sir."  
"But... are there any side effects?"  
"At the beginning, there aren’t any. But lately... There are dreams. And hallucinations."  
"Do you think this was the reason?"  
"I said it once. We cannot know for sure what he thought. But it can be the reason." Jim was silent, but then he spoke again.  
"Why haven't we noticed?"  
"You know, there were some signs... He was getting thinner. I haven't seen him eat, but I thought it's just because he is in his office all day. Sometimes he hasn’t reacted when we called him, but we thought it was just because he was tired. But now, I can see what has happened and I still can't believe that it's our doctor on the bed.”  
"He's looking so small and innocent...peaceful." this was Uhura's voice.  
"He’s not. He's got an addiction and he has to get rid of his addiction. It'll be a long run."  
"I believe in him. I won't give up on him." There was some walking and then somebody was holding his hand. It was somebody, who was strong, but gentle. It was definitely a man, because his hand was a little rough, but warm. It felt almost familiar, but better. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked up.  
He met with Jim’s worried and sad look.  
"Hi..." he said. Leo blinked. It was too good. He shouldn't fall for this moment, because Jim isn't his. He is Spock's.  
"You should go." Leonard whispered.  
"Why?" Was it pain in Jim’s eyes...?  
"To your partner... he's waiting." Leo was looking at the ceiling.  
"What? Who?" Jim sounded surprised, maybe a little bit scared.  
"To Spock... to the only man, who can kiss you." Single tear ran down his face.  
"We're not together...why...why do you think we're together?"  
"You know what said old Spock. We should preserve the main timeline. You and Spock. And me, alone... forever. Some bad relationships in between, but in the end alone.”  
"That was all? This whole thing was about me and Spock?"  
Tears were running down Leos face. "It was pain. I couldn’t be your friend anymore..."  
"Why?!" Jim squeezed his hand.  
"Because I wanted so much more. But you can't give me what I want. I love you, but all I could feel was just a pain. And when I had my medicine, I could handle it. But now I can’t, not anymore." Leo was looking to Jim’s impossibly blue eyes. They shone with tears. They shouldn't... And then miracle happened and Leo could feel gentle touch of his friend’s lips on his. It was soft kiss, but they both enjoyed it.  
"Why you haven't said anything before?"  
"Because old Spock..." He couldn't finish, because Jim interrupted him.  
"You know what I said to old Spock? I said that there's only one living being I want to be with. And it's my CMO. My best friend. The time line was already changed and he couldn’t tell us what we should do to be completely the same like them in their universe, because we're not the same. We're different in our own ways. It started with my dad being dead and he couldn’t convince us to do something what we don't want to do. Because, Leonard McCoy, my dear Bones and biggest idiot on this ship, I love you and I believe that we can go through your addiction and can be happy. Together." Jim kissed him again. It was different than the first kiss. It was full of promises and now, once again, Jim has made him happy. He wanted to live. And he was determined to break through his addiction and to be with Jim, because his true addiction and the best one was the captain of the Enterprise and his best friend.  
"I think I can do it." Leo said breathless.  
"No." Jim smiled at him.  
"Why?"  
"Because we can do it." And Leonard just smiled back, because his life finally made sense.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear reader, thank you for reading my first fic on AO3! English is not my first language - please, excuse any mistakes I have made. Anyway, special thanks to my friend Cantarella, who (tried to) correct all of my mistakes.  
> Comments are more than welcomed!  
> Have a nice day :)


End file.
